Last week we traveled to Dallas, Texas for my son's high school graduation. I am almost certain that I gained back the 5 lbs. that I lost the first month of this 40 and Fabulous Journey.
Have you ever heard the saying, "Everything is bigger in Texas?" Well it certainly couldn't be farther from the truth where my body is concerned. The entire time that I was in Texas, I felt down-right fat.
I felt sluggish and out of shape, despite keeping a regular exercise regime. I am not sure if it was the constant sweat dripping from every nook and cranny that made me feel this way, or the heat that my body is no longer accustomed to experiencing. Whatever the case may be, pictures certainly don't lie.
Seeing my oldest son graduate was a blessing, but after careful review of the family photos, I can't help but want to crop myself out of the pictures. I did not recognize myself in the photos. Part of my shock may have been the new hairdo, but most certainly the rest was seeing my body stretched to the largest I have ever seen it.
Living here in San Diego where people are always exercising and are very health conscious (not that I am saying the folks in Texas are not), I tend to think that I fall into the category of fit folks, especially since I have been pretty active with the exercising.
But after a few days in the sweltering Texas heat, I was sure that I needed to change the "I" in fit to an "A." There's nothing like seeing a few photos of yourself to slap you in the face for a reality check.
The last time that I felt this way, I had lost 12 lbs and was feeling quite proud of myself until my son, who was 3-years-old at the time, busted my bubble.
Hubby was on his first deployment and we were in a race to see who could lose the most weight. I had been working out like a maniac and the fruits of my labor were starting to show. Well, at least until I decided to take a picture of myself to send to hubby.
Because I was dressed in my Sunday best and headed to church, I thought, "What better time to take a picture?" I gave my 3-year-old son a quick lesson on how to focus the camera and snap the picture. He was obedient and did what I ask before running off to whatever he was doing before I engaged him in my self-absorbed project.
As I viewed the playback picture, I was disappointed to see that the pictured would have been perfect had it not been for the fat chick who was hogging the view of me. OK. The fat chick was me! Certainly the camera added 10 lbs., which meant technically I only lost 2 lbs.
Shocked to see a slightly skewed image from how I saw myself, I said, "This picture makes me look fat!"
My son, who had returned from gathering a few toys from his room happened to be walking past as I said this, retorted, "You are fat!"
At that moment, my mouth dropped. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. What he said was a blow to my ego. He was so nonchalant about it, that he didn't blink or even look up to face me. Clearly he had no clue of the impact his words had on me. He just kept walking and tinkering with the toys that were in his hands ... that's what made it all so funny.
I thought of the phrase, "Out of the mouth of a babe ..." comes the truth. It was a humbling experience. There was no maliciousness about it. His heart and his words were pure.
Disappointed and discouraged, I did not give up. It just meant I needed to work harder. Eventually I lost 20 lbs. total and won the contest against hubby. It was a process that I repeated with each deployment thereafter, a total of four more times. Sadly, the results just never seemed to stick once hubby returned.
Frustrated with the constant up and down pattern of my weight and motivation, I kept attacking the problem with all the weapons I could muster. But it wasn't until recently that I realized I was going about this 40 and Fabulous Journey all wrong.
This past Sunday my pastor spoke about keeping our bodies sacred by taking care of it. He mentioned the three mistakes that people make when trying to lose weight: They rely on their own power instead of God. Their motivations are wrong because they are doing it for sex appeal or longevity. Lastly, they try to change on their own without the proper support system.
Boy did he get my attention. Certainly I started this 40 and Fabulous Journey for longevity. And, of course, even a bit for vanity reasons. Who doesn't want to look and feel their best? But what I failed to do was rely on him for my strength and motivation.
The first time that I lost the weight, I spent a lot of time running on the treadmill. I did not do nearly as much cross training as I am doing now. But I did find myself quoting Bible verses and meditating on the word quite a bit. I was growing in my faith and as a result, my fears about losing my spouse in the war were put at ease.
Fast forward five years and you get today's me, who finds herself at a crossroads again. Once again struggling with weight gain and a new fear about the future as hubby retires from the Navy.
Ladies, my head is hard and my memory is short. How soon have I forgotten who to call on for help. Instead, I continue to try to fix it myself. Frustrated about the lack of results I wanted to see, I decided to dig my heels in with harder training the day after we returned from Texas. I spent the week sweating and burning calories, but to no avail.
My moment of truth came at the end of a 6-mile run last Saturday morning. I was about a mile and a half away from our ending point and it was all an uphill journey. My mind and my body did not want to take another step.
My husband slowed down to wait for me and give me words of encouragement, but for a brief moment, my mind had shut down as I uttered the words, "I can't do this!" Hubby yelled at me, "Yes you can!" I ignored him and began to walk. I walked a few paces before the guilt of feeling defeated set in. Even if I wanted to continue on, my body said, "No!"
At that moment, I called on God. I drew from a strength that I have with me always, but sometimes fail to use because I don't want to waste my requests on silly things. What if I need a kidney or need him to help me show my husband that he is wrong and I am right?
I began reciting Isaiah, 40:31. It's a verse that I use many times when I start to feel doubt and need a pick me up. I often used it when I ran the hills during my training for the half marathon. That, I felt was worthy of God's help because I was raising money for Cancer research.
Anyway, I used God as my strength to help me complete the run. I still wasn't sure how all of this tied in together until later that day, when I heard the pastor's sermon on Motivating Truths About My body and how I can honor Him with it. I realized only God can be my motivator to reach my goal. And not so that I can be just 40 and Fabulous, but for his will.
Last week I suffered a set back to my ego, but I needed to see the fat girl who is blocking the view of me so that I can tell her to move out of the way because God has something great planned for me.
